.. and that just made me feel I then had no right to protest. After all... I'd willingly been with Bill by then, so what difference did it really make?Now... I was alone, sad, and very lost. I'd felt used up before, not ever knowing exactly how that felt. I was on a thin line. Depression and unbidden, dark, troublesome thoughts often entered my mind, thoughts that I had talked to my doctor about. She pushed for me to take some drugs for that... but I felt I needed to feel this pain... for a while at least. To make sure I remembered just what I had thrown away.It was a dangerous game I was playing with myself then. One that could end up with me dead and gone. I walked that line, the edges of it drawing me in and out many times a day. I thought deep down that if I lost John forever, I would rather be out of my misery than have to face myself each day.When John called me that night, having gotten back from his vacation, I was surprised. That night too, I'd been depressed. I thought that. Tom and my brother had been watching me to tell me if I was doing ok and they said it was good. After doing the routine and sitting to hear the outcome I was dead excited, the girls came and told us who had got on to the squad and handed out the uniform. When I got home Tom and my brother were in the basement playing pool and they heard me walk in. My brother shouted at me to come in and tell him how I'd done. I walked into the room, face looking sad and they both looked at me and started to say sorry, when I dropped my bag and pulled out the uniform. Tom smiled at me and walked over to me and gave me a big hug, lifting me off the floor. I loved that he did that, I could feel myself getting wet; just the touch of his hands and then body against me got me going crazy inside. I ran upstairs to try my uniform on, then put my hair up and started practising in my room. I hadn't realised but Tom had come upstairs behind me and was now watching me, stood at my door. I turned round and saw.
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